“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
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[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
still the best tweet of the year by far
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels