Sponch
You Might Also Like
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry