if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
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Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
Who says great literature is dead?
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell