You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
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The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.