son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
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Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
The days of good grammer has went
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….