The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
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Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert