I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
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Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.