Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
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ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
You look like you would fail a DNA test
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”