“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
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Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what