I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
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What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
This is what makes twitter great
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
How does one answer this?
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.