Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
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[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.