[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
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me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*