STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
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Flock of bats
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
jesus christ confetti not now
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.