School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
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Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.