How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
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I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
i was baptized in a car wash
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.