‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
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After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.