*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
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[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.