[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
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It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
accidentally got hired at a bakery today. came in for a cinnamon roll during rush hour and left 4 hours later with a dozen donuts and $60 cash. not really sure what happened in between those two events. i believe my life is a video game
CRYING
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks