HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
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[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time