Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
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Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
was Jim off killing horses or…
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.