wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
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My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
Perfect
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
“i am a sweet baby”
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
what does he know…
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store