I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
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The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch