Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
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Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
I don’t hate children, just yours.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”