[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
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Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.