Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
You Might Also Like
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
Hello Twits.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
me and the Superbowl rn
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
You can’t rush stupid.
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.