Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
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What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
New Tinder profile.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.