People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
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I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite