when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
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Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.