Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
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I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.