Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
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[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
Kids: Stay in school.
We need more people like this.
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will