It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
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her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
#gardening
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”