My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
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280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
This is the coolest video you will see today.
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.