Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! ππ
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I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So itβs like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither Iβm married
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
Life cycle of cat
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damnβ¦ thereβs more?
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, aβ
-I was asking the boy, sir.
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
Me, 20βs & 30βs: I canβt remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40βs: I canβt remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”