Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
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*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
*puts my mental health in rice
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
so much to do
and now we wait
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.