I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
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Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.
Body: here’s another chin
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly