In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
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Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this