You take the oxy out of oxymoron
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GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff