I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
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I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.