I’m so full I could puke a horse
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Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
😜
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
*limbos under the caution tape
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
Guys, I found it.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.