my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
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How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
I feel it
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
not seeing the problem
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE