I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
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If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
this could fix me
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
Think I pulled my liver
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.