She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
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British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
sleeping beauty
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying