[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
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*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.