I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
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Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*