Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
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Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.