This meal prepping shit easy
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Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”