It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
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If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”