No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
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Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
PLOT TWIST:
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
Pizza is an emotion right?
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
How to make infinite energy.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?