1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
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Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
We’ve all been there
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
What an awful time to have common sense.
My diet starts in January
of 2027
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here