“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
You Might Also Like
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
“How’s your day going?”
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”